I get asked this every time I run a workshop and it’s never a simple answer; not just because it’s a complex question, but because the answer is unique for each of us. Being the lone ranger representing the whole female team can be a frustrating and often intimidating experience. ‘‘Do I say something? Do I not say something and later regret it? Will saying something make it worse? What if I can’t find the words to make my point.’’ – Yes, very complex stuff!
The thing is, we women are programmed by the same systems as the men; it’s not about painting all men as adversaries and letting them feel our wrath (although there’s definitely some comedy sketch ideas in making this happen). Instead, it’s about reshaping the conversation and challenging stereotypes across the spectrum. True empowerment knows no gender – but alas society’s ‘rule book’ isn’t forward thinking. So it’s time to rewrite it. RAH!
(I very much encourage you to pick and choose and play with the volume dial on all of the below because it’s important to behave in accordance with your values and beliefs, not mine)
Don’t Sit Back In Anger
While taking action might feel scary and confusing, it means you’re being a great ally to yourself and to other people. It means you get to change your demoralising thoughts – ‘Gah, why didn’t I say anything’ – to ‘check me out, challenging the status quo, RAH!’. Doing things differently, means your confidence expands. Dwelling on anger and frustration only creates more cortisol in your body, not the body of the person who pissed you off! They’re going about their day blissfully unaware of your annoyance.
Create Allies, Create Space
As much as you might want to unleash your inner defiant Bitch on the room, it’s probably time to check in with what result you want to create by calling out the behaviour that’s a problem. Is it possible for you to create an open dialogue with men who may not be aware of their behaviour? Instead of placing blame, educate them on the impact of speaking over others. Sometimes, all it takes is showing another way; ‘HELL NO! To the status quo!’
While I believe everyone has a responsibility to be a great ally and educate themselves so they can do a better job at this, not everyone had great role models in their early lives and curiosity is not everyone’s default state. I have found that sometimes a non-confrontational private chat with the person(s) you felt was being a douchebag can be so helpful. Often there’s a complete lack of awareness that any douchebaggery has even gone on (I know, it’s frustrating AF but channelling level 11 pissed-off-ness into the situation will likely lead you down a road of regretting things that come out of your month). Sometimes a nudge towards a spot of reflection makes a big difference. Try this format ‘When you did X, I felt that X. Instead, if you could X, it would be helpful to myself and the team so that we/I can X.’
Don’t Be A Dick
Depending on your sector and values of the company, this phrase often pops up on team charters and meeting agendas. If your company does not already have this place, could you talk to your HR department to get it implemented and run a workshop with your teams to foster this concept and dig into what it means? In a world of instant this, disposable that, swiping to the next thing, it can be hard to cultivate the patience that’s needed here. We’re in the ultra marathon not the 100m sprint. Trust the process, push through the treacle.
Challenge Stereotypes, Not Individuals:
Not all men are Andrew Tate; I’d certainly become a bra-burning nun if this was the case. Challenge stereotypes by refusing to be confined by preconceived notions – throw the old smelly rule book out of the window. Assert your presence confidently, emphasising that competence is not determined by gender. This might not be an instant thing or feel particularly easy, but be kind to yourself, have patience and it will begin to feel less awks.
Skillful Assertiveness:
Develop skillful assertiveness to navigate conversations. When interrupted, calmly but firmly reclaim the dance floor. Phrases like, “I’d love to finish my point” or “Your input is valuable, and so is mine” can be effective tools. Failing that, take a kazoo into the room and give it a good blow every time you’re interrupted (see note at the top of this section which reads check if the thing is alignment with your values 😂) And if assertiveness doesn’t come easy to you, drop me a dm and I can give you some strategies.
Take Someone’s Hand
Ditch the notion that asking for help means you’re weak or stupid – another unhelpful piece of programming. Seek mentorship, both from women who have navigated similar spaces and from supportive male allies; use your resources wisely. Mentorship breaks down barriers and fosters an atmosphere where everyone can thrive. You don’t have to do this stuff alone!
Reframe
Next time you’re the only woman in the room, see it as an opportunity for your personal growth, instead of a space for growing anxiety or frustration. You’ll be surprised at how small shifts in your thinking can create big shifts in the world out there.
Back to the question – what to do when you’re only woman in the room? Start with asking yourself what kind of woman you are and how you want to feel afterwards. Let your own light guide you.